A topic that started with a single answer of my own but ended up as a WhatsApp status of mine—
Giving me answers from the whole world(All of the people who were keen enough to chip in…!)
The answers were variable,
There was sadness too;
Some were just supportive,
Some went out of their way to give me a clear representation of how and what they thought and why…!
And I coerced some to talk to me by questioning their answers…! 🙈
One of those answers was a Compromise…!
Knowing who it came from I already knew the reason why they chose this answer…!
Because it’s not a happy-go-lucky world all around us;
There are things,
Certain factors that force us to stay in a single state in life or in marriage,
Which makes someone take the blame and become one to compromise…!
A cruel and hard state to be in but when things aren’t what we planned, we choose the next best thing for those who are around,
the kids and the existence of a family
(Happy or sad it doesn’t matter…)
A compromise happens…!
Another one was mutual understanding and respect for each other’s opinions…!
Yup- Seems clear just on the surface;
It means pushing each other in directions that differ yet cross paths when a common goal is in sight…
A common goal that helps in building each one of them or prepares them in such a way that the outside world can be a witness to it sometimes;
The other times it’s something that benefits them mutually;
But when those paths move away,
And a space comes in between them where they express each other in their respective spaces away from each other individually;
When push comes to shove,
A union forms where they back each other until the very end…!
This mutual agreement is when things are not how you individually planned,
Yet you stand with each other and save the other one when they fall…!
That’s the point of mutual understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries…!
One of the common mentions was
Being understanding, respecting each other as individuals and providing support…
It might seem like this is an extension of the above one but;
This splits into a different path even if it starts from the same initial source…
Being understanding means that you have to let them be,
Sometimes you have to caress them into your arms,
Sometimes you have to go away and stay away for a few days until realisation kicks in…
(an answer to me…)
Sometimes you just have to walk away from them leaving everything behind and not looking back at it,
There are phases and you have to understand your place in them and walk away when your image in it has diminished or reduced to nothing…
And when that isn’t possible,
Disgrace is felt…
A bitter feeling is felt about oneself when one’s existence is not acknowledged by those who are around you…!
Respect for each other is needed,
You have to be respectful towards each other,
It’s not that your wife or your husband can be an ornament that can be made fun of whenever the room feels silent;
And when this behaviour isn’t controlled;
Hatred for them grows,
And the person falls in their own image making them smaller and letting more disrespect in before it balloons to a point that it pops with an explosion oh so loud,
That it becomes deafening…
It’s not possible that everyone is doing fine all the time,
And they need support,
Sometimes a hug,
An embrace that blows away all the screams, pains and provides a space where you can shed tears and be your true self;
And when that happens you want to be with that person more…
Sometimes you just see it even when they don’t tell you;
There are subtle hints that they don’t speak as much as usual,
Their face shows a different emotion,
They hide their sufferings behind a mask and you see the cracks happen,
And acting on your hunch can save them;
Space/healthy boundaries
Whatever it might be,
There can be a Mangal-sutra or/and a ring, bichua for your toes or your attire or just plain old vows;
They signify basically the entire world of marriage apart from the legal paperwork that becomes a part of the tax benefit, law and order or any other ways you declare to the world that you’re married…!
Before you had a space and in that space, you let people only if you wanted,
But after marriage, that space becomes common for both and even if it isn’t a drastic change;
There is a significant one where you learn and try to make a shift in self and when that doesn’t happen you have to be vocal about it;
Because even if you tied your knots,
Sometimes they just open and flail and when that happens,
You watch them take shape into something that they truly are or were…
Yes, this also means you get to see their true colors and if things don’t seem the way they were before;
An interjection should be made and the tough questions should be asked…!
Because it’s better if you find the answers to the hard questions as early as possible instead of making it dread your life dread later…!
Sometimes taking a back seat,
Or taking a stand and telling No…!
But,
That doesn’t come until you endure a little bit;
And with that can come an accusation,
Which questions the incident that sparked the change,
Even if it means that you could just fill to the brim and it poured over,
And suspecting eyes look at you with question;
Walking away from it might be a last option…
Friendship…
Oh to be friends before being anything else;
It makes life after even more fun,
You make jokes and give each other pain in your stomach when you just see something funny,
And continue adding onto that joke…
Or,
When you see someone tell a lie, and you actually know the whole story and you look into each other’s eyes and there is an instant sense of connection and knowing the BS the other person is spewing…!
Because you can’t seem to keep the information to yourself;
But that comes with a price.
Sometimes a piece of information is told to you in confidence and that slips out of their mouth because you told them that making you a loose-mouthed person and later that person will look and think twice before telling you anything…
A double-edged sword;
Finally my answer,
It’s not something that you might think at first but
According to me,
A fulfilling marriage exists when one person likes the other person more…!
This isn’t just because they want to sleep with them and then go away, like a one night stand…!
They do it because they like them for who they are,
They have seen them at their best,
Their worst,
When they were sad, happy, broken and every other emotion,
But still chose to be with them till the very end,
Significance of likeness from the bottom of their heart but not tolerable enough to accept all that the other person does…!
Here I haven’t mentioned love;
Because love is selfless and selfish at the same time…!
Some compromises come within love,
Where one adjusts themselves until they aren’t the same person they were before they met them…!
Because the fear of being away stays within their consciousness,
Sparking change and an altered person after the change called marriage…!
@waakiye
Waakiye 